It’s been a little while since I posted last and to be honest I’m actually really surprised to find myself back here. When it comes to blogs I can be a little bit fickle. I’m the same way with diaries – love the pretty covers and their bookish smell but I get bored easily and usually talk to myself anyway. Apparently thats a sign of higher intelligence but I’m not so sure. Anyway, to cut a long story short I think I’m at a time in my life that I need somewhere to be able to write and an online blog is easy – I type a lot faster than I write.
I redecorated my room to try and ease my anxiety and it has helped loads! I never realised how much your own space can have an effect on you, both mentally and physically. Now my room is white walled with one feature grey wall, my furniture is all new and beautiful, I’ve brought in oxygenating plants and started a feature aquarium that I can gaze at. It feels like a much healthier environment and I’m sleeping much better. I’m not really afraid of the dark anymore. I know it’s probably pathetic to most but it’s something I’ve always been afraid of. Now my room feels new it feels like all my old fears are gone, redundant. Not to mention my new double bed and mattress are literally heaven.
As much as my room has made me feel better I’m struggling a lot at the moment. I get quite bad separation anxiety (I know, I sound like a lonely puppy) which is difficult for the people I love to understand. I also feel like I’m putting in all the effort in my relationships at the moment. When will people start to understand that “love you” is not a plaster you can stick over wounds. It’s supposed to be a commitment and a promise – as well as a declaration. All I want is to feel like my effort is reciprocated, even just a little. And then I sit here and justify their excuses “well they need time to themselves” “oh well he has just gotten a new job, that’s a busy time”… And I can feel my little heart protesting. Whispering to me that maybe I am always doomed to try harder. I’m going to share something with you guys and I can’t remember if I already mentioned it (probably) but I was a twin when I was younger and I lost my sister. I’ve got this deep dark hole inside me that I can’t fill and I’m not sure that I’ll ever be able to. Which is why I think I care so deeply for people and try so hard, because I’m trying to fill that void and shove other people inside.
Recently I’ve actually felt a lot more whole and I’m not sure if it’s acceptance or just that I’ve become much more self-reliant than I ever thought I could. I went through a pretty bad break up last year that ended with me being cheated on. I think I’ll write another post on cheating because it’s something that has changed my life and I’ve been increasingly close to just blowing up in someones (guess who) face about it. I keep thinking to myself, if someone with bad separation anxiety gets betrayed again and again and after believing so many lies, can they keep believing in love? Can they keep feeling it? Or does everything become a lie to them? Does it make them numb? My last betrayal took 3 years and I’m a year and a half into this new relationship and all I know is that even 3 years made no difference. Why would 5, 6, 12 years? But thats the anxious side of my brain, not the rational side – not the side that people love.
I wish I could love both. Hell, I wish I could love one!